27.3.04
i hafta say this past week was rather blah. i basically floated through all my classes. see, there's a time when ya know its really hard for you to do worse in a class and its really hard for you to do better. take western civ for example. i got a 90 for the 3rd quarter. to get exempt i hafta get a 100 next quarter, which is unlikely. if i dont get exempt imma take a godawful final that'll prolly drop my sem grade to a b. so im not gonna get an a. and i gotta try really hard if i wanna get a c. at first i was bummed. 'congratulations, you're mediocre!' but then i kinda started liking it. my parents didnt really get too pissed off when they saw my grades which where admittedly pretty pathetic. they've actually started bein really nice to me lately. this kinda started after we went to that cozzi character. they've been lettin me go out a bit more than usual. prolly he talked some sense into them. the only class i truly and purely enjoy is finnell's. no, not mine. the 11th period one. im not even in the class and i still show up just about every day. on most days i just sit in the back and try to disrupt class, or if that doesnt work, i talk to fogel. lately's finnell's been getting pissed at me so i think i better lay low for about a week or two. but seriously, if ya want a laugh to end a crap day, come chill w/ us 11th period. you wont be dissapointed. on thursday, i went to katie's and had a whole lotta fun. a buncha ppl celebrated katie's, maureen's, and bianca's bdays. ('who's milkshake is better mine or rachel's?' "i dunno, i havent tried yours") yes, good times were had by all that went. and i love mrs napleton dearly.tday was the championship game for hockey at the united center. it was an awesome game, ending w/ us winning 4-1. beautiful. i painted my face black and white on the way there and i hafta say i did look pretty scary. a bunch of us went to hooters after to celebrate. 100 wings for 16 people. quite impressive. while there we got a pic of monco and a waitress (which you can see above) and we also told them it was nowo's bday. they made her dance like a ballerina, which isnt half as bad as rompin around on a broom or bending over and shaking your ass, both of which i had to do. but then again, at the time, it was actually my birthday. tday on the way home from hooters i managed to sort all the prom plans out. its alllll good. im super psyched. stay tuned...
'it must really suck to be you if right when your name is said somebody goes 'i hate that kid!''
'when was the last time you got a facial?' 'about 3 days ago'
'if you think jail is tough, come to class on monday w/o any candy!'
23.3.04
so. its kinda been a while and a whole bunch has happened since my last post. last wednesday we had a lil sex talk at school. at first when we heard about it we thought it would be extremely hillarious. i think the whole thing was arranged by bro joe. (i dunno, ill forever call him brojoe, it just sounds better. and just for the record, why the hell is father jordan tryna get fr joe kicked out of fenfen? what up? how could you possibly not like fr joe? the consensus is that bro joe is jealous which seems possible bc he's got a whole lot to be jealous of...) it was funny bc on the announcements bro joe was talkin bout all the joys of marriage and sex and he [theoretically] hasnt experienced either one of those. i also got a kick outta the fact that the guys and girls were split up. in the end the sex talk was boring and dumb bc some tool gave the talk. papers were passed out for questions but he ran outta time. but the questions he did address were kinda amusing. 'is it still adultery if you dont bust?' and egan asks what busting is. hahaha. 'why did god make gay people?' 'i dont know. why did god make leukemia or serial killers or people with no legs?'. what a terrible answer. the girls didnt have it much better either. apparently they were told that whenever they felt that they were getting too passionate they should go out for a hike or some ice cream. and there was some metaphor with a fireplace and having sex in the fireplace as opposed to the living room or something like that. so overall, the whole sex talk was a letdown. mrs megall told us in class the day after, 'i had to be with the girls and apparently the teachers were talkin about vibrators'. so much dissapointment. i compared the whole thing to rarf's lil +c joke. i've heard it for the past 3 yeras but it gets hyped up so much in his calc class. damian and meera said they'd never heard it b4 and he said it in class and after the punch line he had this goofy grin on his face and none of us laughed. then he proceeded to explain it and we're like 'nonono, we got it, it was just a really dumb joke.'
on thursday, i was hopin to roll w/ moy after school but durin english caryn came in w/ a white slip and i was like 'i hope its not me, i hope its not me'. but it was. i went down to egan's and drennan was there and i was tryna think of what i had done now. apparently one of the ppl that had asked to read my two last posts sorta told drennan that he was worried about me. yes, my life is now 10x more complicated bc of it, but i understand he had the best in mind for me. so they were tryna get me to tell them what was wrong and prompt me to write what i had written. (if you're wonderin what it was, dont bother lookin, i edited it out.) i didnt say much bc egan and drennan are the 2 last ppl in the world that i feel like opening up to. i asked if my parents would hafta get involved and i was informed they were on their way. then i just had to sit there waiting for them for 15-20 mins. then came in and drennan/egan showed them a printout of my posts. as you can see, the posts had some non-userfriendly stuff in it. i was recommended to a counselor bc i wouldnt talk to anybody about it. my parents asked me how long id been doin this sorta thing and i said since soph year and they were totally taken aback. they had no clue and got pretty shook up about it. they asked me why i never tell them anything and i said i didnt want them to worry about me any more than they already do. they asked if i had told anybody about it when i was on kairos and i said no. my parents asked me over the weekend when i wanted to arrange the first meeting w/ the counselor and i didnt say anything. tday after school they pulled a curveball and said that i was gonna have my first meeting right then. i talked to this guy for about an hr, with my parents there. i basically told him what he wanted to hear and that was that. he also was shocked about why id do what i was doin. i dunno if its just bc im so mechanically minded or if its bc i took psych before but i could totally see through him. he only said nice things, tried not to be negative, requested my parents to say good things about me. it almost felt like it was some formula that he went through. of course i wasnt gonna tell him everything that's goin on in my life so i sorta tied all the stress into just my grades and stuff. he said he was surprised that i was so open to him. but everytime he said sumthin nice or encouraging i couldnt help wondering if it was part of the recipie, like 'insert constructive encouragement here', or if he was really bein sincere bout what he was sayin. who knows. it costs 90 buck a session which is total bull. at the beginning he wanted to know what i wanted to do after college and i told him i was lookin into med school, but i wasnt really sure after that. my dad piped in that i wanted to be a shrink. not sumthin to say when you're at one. just bc i enjoy helping others with their problems doesnt mean i want anybody helping me with mine. w/e, i gotta call him and tell him when i want the next session. what a drag.
on a lighter note, scholastic bowl went downstate this past weekend. d-rask (question: is it d-rask? or di-rask?) managed to get us outta 9th and 10th on friday even though our matches are on saturday. oh yeah, congrats to all you wyse ppl. we left school and thankfully maz and ross had their mp3 players so we listened to quality music to and from peoria. mrs altier kindly provided the team with cookies and brownies. hey altier, thank your mother for me, will ya? on the way down we stopped at a rest stop that had a playground. how awesome is that? i havent been on a playground in years. we finally arrived at best western and just so happens there were a buncha cheerleaders that were stayin on the same floor as us. kohout was intending to go over and introduce himself and all but somehow we prevented him from doin so. 'i was in the shower and i heard the cheerleaders goin by my room in the hall...' then we went to ruby tuesday's where d-rask kindly treated us all to dinner. the cheerleaders beat us there so we had to wait a while b4 we got seated. we saw a color security cam overlookin the entrance to the restraunt and we all started goin out and doin stuff for the cam. crazy pete got powerbombed by jaybird which was hillarious. napes brought shirts for everybody and kief brought letters and we ironed our nicknames on the backs. mine said 'the siby?!' but now lookin back, im kinda thinkin it shoulda been 'i b muley ass'. also that night i whipped out the camera and there was a bit of a photo shoot. there's pics of altier mackin on allstar, kiefer bending over, and kohout bein 'the girl next door'. lange wasnt able to come for the festivities for different reasons, but thankfully was able to come saturday morning. on saturday we won 2, then lost 2. apparently one team was so good bc they went to quiz bowl camp over the summer. as kief so aptly said, 'if quiz bowl camp is what is the difference btwn 3rd and 4th, im just fine w/ 4th.' we all got pebbles too. and damn sexy black coats. we definitely were the best looking team there, if anything.
jeez. mrs v's husband passed away saturday morning and there was a big article in the trib about him too. now when mrs v doesnt come to school we're all happy that we dont have class then we remember why and feel like asses for bein happy about it. its a strange dichotomy. then ya start wonderin why bad things happen to good ppl and all. and you dont come up w/ anything. maietta mentioned a reference to my parents that i had in my philosophy paper and i told him all of it was true. and he asked me, 'how do you live?' i honestly have no idea. i was talkin to somebody and they were tellin me maietta was a douche and i told em i kinda liked the class. then he started tellin me all the reasons why he hated maietta and i stopped and thought about it for a while and was like 'you're right'. for as long as i can remember, my parents always try to control who i hang around at school. they may see some random person outside that rubs them the wrong way just by the way they look and theyd be like 'stay away from that person'. its funny cuz i sorta felt like my parents had just told me that one of my friends wasnt good and i was thinkin it over and realizin that me hanging around that person was making me a worse person myself. and i sorta thought about it and was like 'you're right, maietta is a douche.' all the way from how he tries his best to make himself look cool to all that crap w/ the test and basically tellin us to cheat on his tests and then givin us a bastard of a test for 5-8. i'm gettin a b in the class now just bc of that last test. not cool, not cool.
'have any of you given shoes for a little child?' 'a small child could live in my shoe.'
+500 pts for konrad. for totally makin my day by seein me and sayin 'ahh siby, we're really gonna miss you next year'. konrad, ppl, konrad.
song of the moment - talk show host
happy bday pmizzle.
on thursday, i was hopin to roll w/ moy after school but durin english caryn came in w/ a white slip and i was like 'i hope its not me, i hope its not me'. but it was. i went down to egan's and drennan was there and i was tryna think of what i had done now. apparently one of the ppl that had asked to read my two last posts sorta told drennan that he was worried about me. yes, my life is now 10x more complicated bc of it, but i understand he had the best in mind for me. so they were tryna get me to tell them what was wrong and prompt me to write what i had written. (if you're wonderin what it was, dont bother lookin, i edited it out.) i didnt say much bc egan and drennan are the 2 last ppl in the world that i feel like opening up to. i asked if my parents would hafta get involved and i was informed they were on their way. then i just had to sit there waiting for them for 15-20 mins. then came in and drennan/egan showed them a printout of my posts. as you can see, the posts had some non-userfriendly stuff in it. i was recommended to a counselor bc i wouldnt talk to anybody about it. my parents asked me how long id been doin this sorta thing and i said since soph year and they were totally taken aback. they had no clue and got pretty shook up about it. they asked me why i never tell them anything and i said i didnt want them to worry about me any more than they already do. they asked if i had told anybody about it when i was on kairos and i said no. my parents asked me over the weekend when i wanted to arrange the first meeting w/ the counselor and i didnt say anything. tday after school they pulled a curveball and said that i was gonna have my first meeting right then. i talked to this guy for about an hr, with my parents there. i basically told him what he wanted to hear and that was that. he also was shocked about why id do what i was doin. i dunno if its just bc im so mechanically minded or if its bc i took psych before but i could totally see through him. he only said nice things, tried not to be negative, requested my parents to say good things about me. it almost felt like it was some formula that he went through. of course i wasnt gonna tell him everything that's goin on in my life so i sorta tied all the stress into just my grades and stuff. he said he was surprised that i was so open to him. but everytime he said sumthin nice or encouraging i couldnt help wondering if it was part of the recipie, like 'insert constructive encouragement here', or if he was really bein sincere bout what he was sayin. who knows. it costs 90 buck a session which is total bull. at the beginning he wanted to know what i wanted to do after college and i told him i was lookin into med school, but i wasnt really sure after that. my dad piped in that i wanted to be a shrink. not sumthin to say when you're at one. just bc i enjoy helping others with their problems doesnt mean i want anybody helping me with mine. w/e, i gotta call him and tell him when i want the next session. what a drag.
on a lighter note, scholastic bowl went downstate this past weekend. d-rask (question: is it d-rask? or di-rask?) managed to get us outta 9th and 10th on friday even though our matches are on saturday. oh yeah, congrats to all you wyse ppl. we left school and thankfully maz and ross had their mp3 players so we listened to quality music to and from peoria. mrs altier kindly provided the team with cookies and brownies. hey altier, thank your mother for me, will ya? on the way down we stopped at a rest stop that had a playground. how awesome is that? i havent been on a playground in years. we finally arrived at best western and just so happens there were a buncha cheerleaders that were stayin on the same floor as us. kohout was intending to go over and introduce himself and all but somehow we prevented him from doin so. 'i was in the shower and i heard the cheerleaders goin by my room in the hall...' then we went to ruby tuesday's where d-rask kindly treated us all to dinner. the cheerleaders beat us there so we had to wait a while b4 we got seated. we saw a color security cam overlookin the entrance to the restraunt and we all started goin out and doin stuff for the cam. crazy pete got powerbombed by jaybird which was hillarious. napes brought shirts for everybody and kief brought letters and we ironed our nicknames on the backs. mine said 'the siby?!' but now lookin back, im kinda thinkin it shoulda been 'i b muley ass'. also that night i whipped out the camera and there was a bit of a photo shoot. there's pics of altier mackin on allstar, kiefer bending over, and kohout bein 'the girl next door'. lange wasnt able to come for the festivities for different reasons, but thankfully was able to come saturday morning. on saturday we won 2, then lost 2. apparently one team was so good bc they went to quiz bowl camp over the summer. as kief so aptly said, 'if quiz bowl camp is what is the difference btwn 3rd and 4th, im just fine w/ 4th.' we all got pebbles too. and damn sexy black coats. we definitely were the best looking team there, if anything.
jeez. mrs v's husband passed away saturday morning and there was a big article in the trib about him too. now when mrs v doesnt come to school we're all happy that we dont have class then we remember why and feel like asses for bein happy about it. its a strange dichotomy. then ya start wonderin why bad things happen to good ppl and all. and you dont come up w/ anything. maietta mentioned a reference to my parents that i had in my philosophy paper and i told him all of it was true. and he asked me, 'how do you live?' i honestly have no idea. i was talkin to somebody and they were tellin me maietta was a douche and i told em i kinda liked the class. then he started tellin me all the reasons why he hated maietta and i stopped and thought about it for a while and was like 'you're right'. for as long as i can remember, my parents always try to control who i hang around at school. they may see some random person outside that rubs them the wrong way just by the way they look and theyd be like 'stay away from that person'. its funny cuz i sorta felt like my parents had just told me that one of my friends wasnt good and i was thinkin it over and realizin that me hanging around that person was making me a worse person myself. and i sorta thought about it and was like 'you're right, maietta is a douche.' all the way from how he tries his best to make himself look cool to all that crap w/ the test and basically tellin us to cheat on his tests and then givin us a bastard of a test for 5-8. i'm gettin a b in the class now just bc of that last test. not cool, not cool.
'have any of you given shoes for a little child?' 'a small child could live in my shoe.'
+500 pts for konrad. for totally makin my day by seein me and sayin 'ahh siby, we're really gonna miss you next year'. konrad, ppl, konrad.
song of the moment - talk show host
happy bday pmizzle.
13.3.04
so its been a rather decent week. had its ups and downs. smilin tom's been callin me down to student services a couple times still. wants me to write a letter to nieto tellin him im sorry for what i did and all. nieto told smilin tom sumthin bout not wanting to work w/ kids anymore and tom tried to make it sound like it was all my fault that nieto said that. which is not true. cuz some ppl who are in the tech office all day told me that nieto's always bitchin bout how he hates kids and all. and i'm on probation. till the end of the school year. pshhh. i told a couple teachers about it and every one agreed that fenfen was tryna steal kids' freedom of speech. we talked about it in west civ, i dont know how it came up, but i told maietta about it and hes like 'so wait, this is on your own personal website? not fenfen's?' 'yeah' 'and they're not letting you lead on kairos because of that?' 'basically.' i asked him what he thought and wisely he said he'd withold his comment but everybody knew what he woulda said. he asked me if id learned anything from the incident and i said 'yeah, fenfen likes to play god w/ the students.' i got a c in physics for midquarters bc i didnt turn in a hw assignment and i dont really do too well on the tests either. its the first class ive ever had in my life that i sit and stare intently at what's being written on the board and i have no idea what's goin on. and its even worse when somebody like el modelo turns and says he doesnt get it either. we got a test on monday that'll make or break my grade. prolly the latter. if i hadnt gotten that c in physics i woulda been able to go for the leader retreat. if i had a tumor, id name in 'mom'. she's a 'negative nancy' as cartman might say. its always through my dad that i ever get to do anything at all. and when she found out i got a c in physics she said she didnt want me going for the leader retreat even though my dad had already said i could go. and on friday, i woulda had an awesome day if it werent for my mom. i was offered free tickets to a laker's game. OR after i finished math team at 6, i coulda gone to moy's or the water polo meet (happy bday to zillions of ppl that have bday's in march including rooney, geena, moy, maureen, bridget, napes, ricky, bianca, jeannie, pmac, and otto) then to the boys bball game. but none of that happend; after math team i went home and that was it. but i think my actual day at school on friday sorta balanced out w/ how crappy the night was. durin 11th, 5th yr math was havin a 1000 party so damian and i graced them w/ our presence. they had krispy kremes, chips ahoy, oreos, and pepsi. then big pis asked me if i remembered some article about raising kids or sumthin and i gave him a copy of it and finnell actually read it out in class. it was beautiful. 'The one-two shut-the-hell-up. This is priceless when you're shopping and your kid won't shut the hell up: "I'm hungry, I want toys, I need my Insulin..." etc.' then somebody said sumthin about the sound of one hand clapping and i started doin it in the back of the room then chiquita started doin it too which was hillarious. i got a video of it if anybody wants to see. god, i love that class. so much fun. it was def a great article. then after class we found anne in the hall, and i managed to get a pic w/ her. chiquita was mighty jealous but tried not to show it. i love goin to school. kmart was tellin me last week or so that he just started to hate comin to school. and i told him that ive never wanted to come to school its just that i wanna see all the cool ppl at fenfen, and also i wanna get away from my family too. friends of mine are incredible. its bc of ppl like them that my parents havent managed to drive me insane a long, long time ago. i love you all. on saturday we went to LT and it was just beautiful. first d-rask played some motivational music which might or might not be playing from your speakers right now... then we beat hinsdale central. our next match was vs LT and once again they screwed us over w/ some crappy technicalities. d-rask was gettin mighty pissed at the moderator, who was also from LT. then we got super pumped durin halftime and went back and kicked butt and we were up but they got the last tossup and got an easy bonus and beat us by <10 pts. our 3rd and final match was vs marist. d-rask once again pulled a lil sumthin outta his sleve and got us goin. 'pat, what does that say?' '(sigh) now here.' then we went and trounced marist, went back to the room and danced a bit, then went to ledo's and d-rask treated the whole team for lunch. yes, there is a new sheriff in town. we are goin downstate. we're leavin friday after school and comin back on saturday. yet another chance for me to get outta the house. i think we're all gonna get tshirts w/ 'NowHere' on em which is totally jawesome (courtesy of napes i blv). rocknroll.
quotes galore:
'thank your mom for me'
'so wait, did her nose get in the way? just kidding'
'yeah, we're really tight. but she's not'
'im gonna make a bunch of FREE SIBY! posters...'
'mr finnell, seriously now, who did you throw soup on?'
'i'm on probation' 'join the club' 'like father, like son'
'is your mom on mothers club?' 'no, my mom actually has a job'
'i got 'on the plane'' 'w/e happens, ill make sure you all win'
'less talk' 'more rock' (they lost the way but they found each other)
'can you even do it w/ your thumb like that? i should try it that way sometime'
'just like your mother told you when you were small, 'you can look, but you cant touch''
"and dan said that if i wanted i could room w/ him when i visited and hed show me 'a good time'... i mean that in the most non-gay way"
'it looks strange that everyone is wearing a white shirt and you have that blue coat on' 'it also looks strange that everyone's white and i'm indian'
'im really sorry bout what happened. but it doesnt matter. they kick ya off that radio show?' 'yeah' 'it doesnt matter. know where you're goin to college?' 'no' 'it doesnt matter. you're goin to london in less than 30 days'
'yo sibuel, i never see you anymore. how do i get smart like you?'
'who's sibuel?'
'you dont know sibuel? this is the coolest kid in the school. hes in all genius classes. sibuel's my role model'
'hi sibuel, im sam'
'no, her name's lucy'
quotes galore:
'thank your mom for me'
'so wait, did her nose get in the way? just kidding'
'yeah, we're really tight. but she's not'
'im gonna make a bunch of FREE SIBY! posters...'
'mr finnell, seriously now, who did you throw soup on?'
'i'm on probation' 'join the club' 'like father, like son'
'is your mom on mothers club?' 'no, my mom actually has a job'
'i got 'on the plane'' 'w/e happens, ill make sure you all win'
'less talk' 'more rock' (they lost the way but they found each other)
'can you even do it w/ your thumb like that? i should try it that way sometime'
'just like your mother told you when you were small, 'you can look, but you cant touch''
"and dan said that if i wanted i could room w/ him when i visited and hed show me 'a good time'... i mean that in the most non-gay way"
'it looks strange that everyone is wearing a white shirt and you have that blue coat on' 'it also looks strange that everyone's white and i'm indian'
'im really sorry bout what happened. but it doesnt matter. they kick ya off that radio show?' 'yeah' 'it doesnt matter. know where you're goin to college?' 'no' 'it doesnt matter. you're goin to london in less than 30 days'
'yo sibuel, i never see you anymore. how do i get smart like you?'
'who's sibuel?'
'you dont know sibuel? this is the coolest kid in the school. hes in all genius classes. sibuel's my role model'
'hi sibuel, im sam'
'no, her name's lucy'
4.3.04
and now, yet another case of when 'keeping it real' goes wrong:
yeah. so wednesday was not exactly the best of days. actually, i honestly think its been the worst day of my whole life. in spanish megall found out i hadnt done the last section of our hw. then at the end of class she assigned a, b, and c for hw and altier's like 'can you assign d too? it looks really fun!' i just turn around and yell 'you're gay!' then i catch myself. im yelling across the room. ive said the word 'gay'. and im calling him gay for wanting to do spanish. not good. but this was only the beginning. 2nd period i manage to escape from connor's study hall but when im in the library mrs ryan asks 'is siby in here?' i at first thought it had sumthin to do w/ the sign in sheets for the library and all. see, now connor just writes our names on his list of escapees when we walk up to him instead of us doin it ourselves. and whenever i sign into the library i just write 'SIBY'. there was prolly some discrepancy bc they didnt find my name on both sheets bc connor just writes 's. samuel'. mrs ryan calls me over and gives me a lil white sheet. my mind races bc i know exactly why im bein called down to terryo's office. about 2 days b4 i asked nieto to unblock the blogs bc i took the games off my site. he replies that its not that easy and just bc i tried to put games on my site he said he wouldnt unblock em. this pisses me off. so tuesday morning i was chillin in the library not knowin what to do so i sign in on a comp and still mad bout what had happend the other day i changed the password to 'nieto' and the password question was 'faggot-ass spic in the tech office (last name only)'. stupid move, i know. then tues night at home i was thinkin maybe that crossed the line so i change the password back to what it originally was. i go to terryo's office knowin exactly what he wanted me for. right when i walk in i tell him i know why he called me and that i knew id crossed the line. he says that he was shocked when he heard bout it and that he had no idea what to do w/ me. he said he was too mad to deal w/ me at the moment so he said hed call me down later. durin 10th, dr b's goin through some slides on the overhead but b4 class he passed out the sr superlatives sheet. thats just like telling us not to pay attention to him. at the beginning of class he was sayin sumthin bout how the honors sr class had destroyed two of his 'beer mats' (coasters). he got them from england 25 yrs ago. cry me a river; id offer to get him 25 stupid coasters when i go to london but his approval rating sorta dropped 40 pts in the past 2 days. but terryo calls me down and says that he talked w/ smilin tom and got a couple suggestions from him. he said that i, for now, should just tell my parents that night and have them call him. either that or hed call them in and he, smilin tom, me, and my parents would have a lil meeting. i chose the former option; anything to avoid seeing smilin tom. then after school i went back and was like 'no way, i cant do this, you can give me jug or demerits or make me write a paper or work at school, anything but tell my parents' he said i should get some balls and face up to what i have to do. on a typical wednesday id have a radio show after school but daddy informed me earlier on in the day that the tech ppl had kicked me off of it. after talkin to terryo for the 3rd time that day i decided to go to the tech ppl and apologize. i was truly sorry. what was i sorry for? for puttin it up on the net. not for sayin it though. pisses me off so much, cuz i didnt even say it! it was online for cryin out loud. for less than 12 hrs! but they werent there so i went to the link and my parents were waitin to pick me up. typically the ride would start off w/ 'how was your day', id say 'ok' and then id be silence from then on. but it just didnt happen like that tday. i told em what had happened and they totally flipped. i started from the beginning w/ me puttin games on my site and nieto blockin them and even after that they were all over me. 'if you knew they didnt want you to put games online y did you? you wanted to be cool and try to buck their authority.' (for some reason the cartman line, 'you will respect my authority!' went through my head) i finished the whole thing and my parents were totally shocked. see, if it were anybody else's parents i doubt they woulda flipped out this much. but see, thats the thing w/ my parents. then they started sayin how bad of a kid i was and started bringing up all the stuff ive ever done wrong in my life. i have no idea why, prolly for effect. they do this kinda thing whenever i get into trouble big time, 'trouble city' as farran might say. then crept along the chain from the 'siby and girls' radio show they listened to, to them finding that i listened to 'objectionable' music (thanks to my sister tellin them), to how im not a good role model for my cousins. the whole time i was just hoping and praying they wouldnt get to one thing. 'plz god, dont let them mention just this, plz' apparently there isnt a god or hes just really pissed at me cuz my parents did mention it. kairos. from the start they've thought it was a stupid program and whenever theyd see me writin out a new kairos app for leader theyd be like 'youll never get it, you're different, you're indian, theyd never take you'. i guess in the long run, thats true in a way. but they went on and on about it and then they stopped. just great, they ended on kairos. this means that when they're not talkin, they're brooding. i know my parents like the back of my hand, its a good thing they dont know me like that. then they tell me that they're not gonna lemme lead on kairos cuz 1)its gay, 2)they have to pay for it, 3)ive already gone b4, and 4)after directing a racial slur at somebody im not even 'leader material'. and that was that. the thing was right when orourke told me i had to tell my parents i was bummed. the only reason why hed want me to tell my parents is cuz he knew that what i did was outside school and he knew he wouldnt be able to punish me for it. but if he had me tell my parents, he knew my parents would be able to punish me in all the ways he wasnt able to. and i knew all of this. right when i got home i locked myself in my room and just threw myself on my bed. my mind was seriously goin a million miles an hour. then i knew my dad would head over to my laptop and try to get in it and then hed find out there was a password and hed ask me what it was. i just waited for this to happen. sure enough, he came up to my room askin me what the password was. i wouldnt tell him and he got really mad and went downstairs. for a while he prolly fiddled w/ the computer and then decided hed prolly take it to best buy or to work to hack into it. this is not good. every single one of my pictures is on there, many of which i dont want my parents seeing. loads of 'objectionable' music is on there. hundreds. hundreds of writings ive done. writings that ive done about them or my sister or life or just like personal stories or my feelings and what not. stuff that they wouldnt even be able to find on the blog. and just my goddamn luck, id said that i wanted to go volunteering that night. i usually volunteer on thursday nights but since we were planning some kairos bonding thing on thursday i had changed my work day to wednesday. and i knew that when i went for volunteering my dad would go to best buy and try to get into my computer and if he did, for 2 hrs he would browse the bowels of it. the plan was that if he hadnt gotten into it, that night at around 2 or 3 i would wake up and make cd's of all the stuff i didnt want them to see and delete it off the comp. (god must hate me a helluvalot cuz i never did wake up that night and my dad now has my laptop at work). so im sittin in my room just fuming. thursday after takin a chem test since there was about 15 mins left in the period i asked farran if i could go down to talk to bro gabe bout some kairos stuff. he said ok and right as i opened the door to the room chris pisani was there coming to gimme a white slip. from bro gabe. i went down there and basically bro gabe asked me what was goin on. i really didnt feel like tellin him but just asked him what he knew and he said all he'd heard was rumors. i told him that whatever rumors hed heard, all of em were prolly true. he told me hed talked to terryo and terryo had said that me not leadin on kairos would be a good punishment. seriously ppl. havin a racial slur on a website for less than 12 hrs vs not bein able to lead on kairos. somebody tell me this doesnt even begin to balance out. bro gabe told me he didnt want to dump on me or anything but he did say stuff bout 'the nature of the [kairos]' and 'the integrity of the program' and what ppl might think if i was allowed to lead. just great. question. should you apologize to somebody if you're not even sorry for what you did? i really didnt want to bc come thursday morning i wasnt sorry in the least bit. but still that morning i apologized to nieto and he didnt take it too well. oh wel. but see, my site is blocked at fenfen. and winkels found out about it wednesday at school. so the only way hed have found out about it is if some tool in the tech office toy factory told him or if either he or nieto checked themselves. if its the latter, what the hell are they doin readin the stuff i put up on my site? and not only that, but at school? thats like goin on ebay while you're at work. but if it was in fact somebody who ratted me out, from deep down in my heart i hope that person, not necessarily now, but sometime in his life finds out exactly how it feels to be ratted out. jeez. and also, if nieto was so pissed about it, y didnt he just confront me about it like a man? instead he wanted to tell the school and have sumthin happen to me so everybody would feel sorry for him. he tried to get pembroke suspended for hackin into the network or sumthin. i mean, yes, it is browncock, but suspended? and also, while i was thinkin about it wednesday night i knew terryo would call me down again and i just wanted to tell him one thing. lets say he cheated on his wife. and lets say she found out about it. and he apologized to her but she said the only way shed forgive him is if he put it in the newspaper and publically apologized for what hed done. ludicrous! but still, for what id done, he wanted everybody to know about it. and he knew he could get that accomplished by me havin to tell my parents. that man is 100 percent pure genius. so instead of me doin the 'knowing yourself' talk on kairos its gonna be harvalis. a perfect choice if i ever knew one. i stayed up till 12 on wednesday thinkin bout tons of stuff. take daddy for example. about a year ago he got into a lil bit of a mess himself. but they let him lead on kairos. its prolly bc my own mess was exactly 2 weeks b4 kairos that made it such a big deal. then i was like, 'ill just apply next time for leader', then it hit me that this was the last kairos that srs could lead on. ouch. i started to wonder if id go when the kairos ppl came back. i done think ill be able to. when i was like 7, for xmas our neighbors gave us a big tin full of popcorn. i ate just about half of the cheese section of popcorn that night. and around 10 i threw up. now whenever i even smell that stuff i feel like puking. its the same way w/ kairos now; whenever anybody's talkin bout kairos i just start feelin sick. but what am i supposed to do w/ this talk of mine? it used to be a document on my desktop that id pick away at everytime i looked at it. i think imma chuck it; no like ill be needing it or anything. maybe this all happend bc it was part of some big plan. maybe i just wasnt good enough for kairos and them accepting me was a mistake so there had to be some intervention by fate to fix things. who knows. life at home now sucks more than ever. if there was a way that i could escape all of this, id take it in a second. chiquita was right. i'm a royal jackass.
yeah. so wednesday was not exactly the best of days. actually, i honestly think its been the worst day of my whole life. in spanish megall found out i hadnt done the last section of our hw. then at the end of class she assigned a, b, and c for hw and altier's like 'can you assign d too? it looks really fun!' i just turn around and yell 'you're gay!' then i catch myself. im yelling across the room. ive said the word 'gay'. and im calling him gay for wanting to do spanish. not good. but this was only the beginning. 2nd period i manage to escape from connor's study hall but when im in the library mrs ryan asks 'is siby in here?' i at first thought it had sumthin to do w/ the sign in sheets for the library and all. see, now connor just writes our names on his list of escapees when we walk up to him instead of us doin it ourselves. and whenever i sign into the library i just write 'SIBY'. there was prolly some discrepancy bc they didnt find my name on both sheets bc connor just writes 's. samuel'. mrs ryan calls me over and gives me a lil white sheet. my mind races bc i know exactly why im bein called down to terryo's office. about 2 days b4 i asked nieto to unblock the blogs bc i took the games off my site. he replies that its not that easy and just bc i tried to put games on my site he said he wouldnt unblock em. this pisses me off. so tuesday morning i was chillin in the library not knowin what to do so i sign in on a comp and still mad bout what had happend the other day i changed the password to 'nieto' and the password question was 'faggot-ass spic in the tech office (last name only)'. stupid move, i know. then tues night at home i was thinkin maybe that crossed the line so i change the password back to what it originally was. i go to terryo's office knowin exactly what he wanted me for. right when i walk in i tell him i know why he called me and that i knew id crossed the line. he says that he was shocked when he heard bout it and that he had no idea what to do w/ me. he said he was too mad to deal w/ me at the moment so he said hed call me down later. durin 10th, dr b's goin through some slides on the overhead but b4 class he passed out the sr superlatives sheet. thats just like telling us not to pay attention to him. at the beginning of class he was sayin sumthin bout how the honors sr class had destroyed two of his 'beer mats' (coasters). he got them from england 25 yrs ago. cry me a river; id offer to get him 25 stupid coasters when i go to london but his approval rating sorta dropped 40 pts in the past 2 days. but terryo calls me down and says that he talked w/ smilin tom and got a couple suggestions from him. he said that i, for now, should just tell my parents that night and have them call him. either that or hed call them in and he, smilin tom, me, and my parents would have a lil meeting. i chose the former option; anything to avoid seeing smilin tom. then after school i went back and was like 'no way, i cant do this, you can give me jug or demerits or make me write a paper or work at school, anything but tell my parents' he said i should get some balls and face up to what i have to do. on a typical wednesday id have a radio show after school but daddy informed me earlier on in the day that the tech ppl had kicked me off of it. after talkin to terryo for the 3rd time that day i decided to go to the tech ppl and apologize. i was truly sorry. what was i sorry for? for puttin it up on the net. not for sayin it though. pisses me off so much, cuz i didnt even say it! it was online for cryin out loud. for less than 12 hrs! but they werent there so i went to the link and my parents were waitin to pick me up. typically the ride would start off w/ 'how was your day', id say 'ok' and then id be silence from then on. but it just didnt happen like that tday. i told em what had happened and they totally flipped. i started from the beginning w/ me puttin games on my site and nieto blockin them and even after that they were all over me. 'if you knew they didnt want you to put games online y did you? you wanted to be cool and try to buck their authority.' (for some reason the cartman line, 'you will respect my authority!' went through my head) i finished the whole thing and my parents were totally shocked. see, if it were anybody else's parents i doubt they woulda flipped out this much. but see, thats the thing w/ my parents. then they started sayin how bad of a kid i was and started bringing up all the stuff ive ever done wrong in my life. i have no idea why, prolly for effect. they do this kinda thing whenever i get into trouble big time, 'trouble city' as farran might say. then crept along the chain from the 'siby and girls' radio show they listened to, to them finding that i listened to 'objectionable' music (thanks to my sister tellin them), to how im not a good role model for my cousins. the whole time i was just hoping and praying they wouldnt get to one thing. 'plz god, dont let them mention just this, plz' apparently there isnt a god or hes just really pissed at me cuz my parents did mention it. kairos. from the start they've thought it was a stupid program and whenever theyd see me writin out a new kairos app for leader theyd be like 'youll never get it, you're different, you're indian, theyd never take you'. i guess in the long run, thats true in a way. but they went on and on about it and then they stopped. just great, they ended on kairos. this means that when they're not talkin, they're brooding. i know my parents like the back of my hand, its a good thing they dont know me like that. then they tell me that they're not gonna lemme lead on kairos cuz 1)its gay, 2)they have to pay for it, 3)ive already gone b4, and 4)after directing a racial slur at somebody im not even 'leader material'. and that was that. the thing was right when orourke told me i had to tell my parents i was bummed. the only reason why hed want me to tell my parents is cuz he knew that what i did was outside school and he knew he wouldnt be able to punish me for it. but if he had me tell my parents, he knew my parents would be able to punish me in all the ways he wasnt able to. and i knew all of this. right when i got home i locked myself in my room and just threw myself on my bed. my mind was seriously goin a million miles an hour. then i knew my dad would head over to my laptop and try to get in it and then hed find out there was a password and hed ask me what it was. i just waited for this to happen. sure enough, he came up to my room askin me what the password was. i wouldnt tell him and he got really mad and went downstairs. for a while he prolly fiddled w/ the computer and then decided hed prolly take it to best buy or to work to hack into it. this is not good. every single one of my pictures is on there, many of which i dont want my parents seeing. loads of 'objectionable' music is on there. hundreds. hundreds of writings ive done. writings that ive done about them or my sister or life or just like personal stories or my feelings and what not. stuff that they wouldnt even be able to find on the blog. and just my goddamn luck, id said that i wanted to go volunteering that night. i usually volunteer on thursday nights but since we were planning some kairos bonding thing on thursday i had changed my work day to wednesday. and i knew that when i went for volunteering my dad would go to best buy and try to get into my computer and if he did, for 2 hrs he would browse the bowels of it. the plan was that if he hadnt gotten into it, that night at around 2 or 3 i would wake up and make cd's of all the stuff i didnt want them to see and delete it off the comp. (god must hate me a helluvalot cuz i never did wake up that night and my dad now has my laptop at work). so im sittin in my room just fuming. thursday after takin a chem test since there was about 15 mins left in the period i asked farran if i could go down to talk to bro gabe bout some kairos stuff. he said ok and right as i opened the door to the room chris pisani was there coming to gimme a white slip. from bro gabe. i went down there and basically bro gabe asked me what was goin on. i really didnt feel like tellin him but just asked him what he knew and he said all he'd heard was rumors. i told him that whatever rumors hed heard, all of em were prolly true. he told me hed talked to terryo and terryo had said that me not leadin on kairos would be a good punishment. seriously ppl. havin a racial slur on a website for less than 12 hrs vs not bein able to lead on kairos. somebody tell me this doesnt even begin to balance out. bro gabe told me he didnt want to dump on me or anything but he did say stuff bout 'the nature of the [kairos]' and 'the integrity of the program' and what ppl might think if i was allowed to lead. just great. question. should you apologize to somebody if you're not even sorry for what you did? i really didnt want to bc come thursday morning i wasnt sorry in the least bit. but still that morning i apologized to nieto and he didnt take it too well. oh wel. but see, my site is blocked at fenfen. and winkels found out about it wednesday at school. so the only way hed have found out about it is if some tool in the tech office toy factory told him or if either he or nieto checked themselves. if its the latter, what the hell are they doin readin the stuff i put up on my site? and not only that, but at school? thats like goin on ebay while you're at work. but if it was in fact somebody who ratted me out, from deep down in my heart i hope that person, not necessarily now, but sometime in his life finds out exactly how it feels to be ratted out. jeez. and also, if nieto was so pissed about it, y didnt he just confront me about it like a man? instead he wanted to tell the school and have sumthin happen to me so everybody would feel sorry for him. he tried to get pembroke suspended for hackin into the network or sumthin. i mean, yes, it is browncock, but suspended? and also, while i was thinkin about it wednesday night i knew terryo would call me down again and i just wanted to tell him one thing. lets say he cheated on his wife. and lets say she found out about it. and he apologized to her but she said the only way shed forgive him is if he put it in the newspaper and publically apologized for what hed done. ludicrous! but still, for what id done, he wanted everybody to know about it. and he knew he could get that accomplished by me havin to tell my parents. that man is 100 percent pure genius. so instead of me doin the 'knowing yourself' talk on kairos its gonna be harvalis. a perfect choice if i ever knew one. i stayed up till 12 on wednesday thinkin bout tons of stuff. take daddy for example. about a year ago he got into a lil bit of a mess himself. but they let him lead on kairos. its prolly bc my own mess was exactly 2 weeks b4 kairos that made it such a big deal. then i was like, 'ill just apply next time for leader', then it hit me that this was the last kairos that srs could lead on. ouch. i started to wonder if id go when the kairos ppl came back. i done think ill be able to. when i was like 7, for xmas our neighbors gave us a big tin full of popcorn. i ate just about half of the cheese section of popcorn that night. and around 10 i threw up. now whenever i even smell that stuff i feel like puking. its the same way w/ kairos now; whenever anybody's talkin bout kairos i just start feelin sick. but what am i supposed to do w/ this talk of mine? it used to be a document on my desktop that id pick away at everytime i looked at it. i think imma chuck it; no like ill be needing it or anything. maybe this all happend bc it was part of some big plan. maybe i just wasnt good enough for kairos and them accepting me was a mistake so there had to be some intervention by fate to fix things. who knows. life at home now sucks more than ever. if there was a way that i could escape all of this, id take it in a second. chiquita was right. i'm a royal jackass.
2.3.04
